It’s COLD. What is happening here! /mild freak-out
A fat, dirty, slimebucketly man stole a Toblerone chocolate bar tonight at my store when he thought no one was looking. But I was looking. I was looking as he lifted the back of his unwashed windbreaker jacket and shoved the prism-shaped carton into the ass-crack of his filthy jeans. This was a chocolate bar his debit had declined moments earlier. He then walked up when he felt the coast was clear, and actually paid for a second chocolate bar, half cash, half debit.
Turns out he gets all his prescriptions filled at our store. We have his name, his number, and his address if we ever want to break into his rained-on, moldy cardboard box and steal, like, a half-eaten worm from him or something.
PS, I’m sure this guy was not actually homeless; I just keep thinking of him as Christopher Lloyd’s character in the ’90s movie version of Dennis the Menace. Because he was a greasebag who is in his mid 40s, stealing chocolate bars.